Sticking but not stuck.

We are here on Saturday morning at exactly the same weight down to the ounces.  I'm proud although disappointed too. I'm keeping myself accountable so I think I can identify what went wrong. I had one binge evening where I had a packet of giant hula hoops and a big bag of those pita chips I love. Bingeing is stopping now though.  In an effort to avoid binges I have been deliberately over eating, which has meant lots of toast, lots of kitkats and one day I bought sandwiches+crisps+soft drink for lunch.  I've also been eating toast for breakfast on top of that as I haven't had money for fruit or eggs, and I had an abundance of cake at the start of the week and I agree an entire pizza+garlic bread yesterday.  All that and only one binge though so I'm proud of myself. The number of binges I talked myself out of was high though. It's really hard.

With that feedback I'm going low carb next week! No more bread, biscuits, potatoes. I need to kick the 11 stone plateau. I'm also upping my exercise game as Monday and Friday (usual gym days) will be taken up with work training so I'll have to not make excuses and fit it in at other times.

Fingers crossed for a good, solid loss next weekend!

So. It's been about a month. And what a month. Since the last picture, I went entirely off the rails. This culminated in a tear-filled run last night as I finally admitted to myself that maybe I have a problem that is bigger than I am able to deal with. It is hard for me to admit that. In spite of myself and all I seem to be doing to sabotage myself my weigh-in this morning, which I hope to be something of a fresh start, is as follows:

 Which, considering everything that has happened is not too bad. I'm back in the 11s, which is good and makes my mind feel better. Last week my weight was:

I know that my weight has fluctuated within 7 lbs of that weight from various times I have weighed myself out of curiousity over the past month. I mean 7 lbs up of course, if it was 7 lbs less I would probably not be in this mess! To record them, I have started taking my usual progress photos. Here are this week's offerings:

My fears about losing control with the lack of structure of the summer holidays were completely correct. I managed to stick to eating relatively reasonably and doing a few workouts for the first three-ish weeks. The last three weeks and the time since then? All to shit. All of it. Everything I worked so hard for gone. I ate not just everything, but I ate everything unhealthy all of the time and then I binged on top of that. I didn't go to the gym and I didn't even go out for walks most of the time. I think that my only saving grace probably was the few walks that I did go on, honestly. I think that is the only thing that kept my metabolism going and stopped me, at the same time, from losing my mind completely.

I think I might have finally reached rock bottom this weekend and I am hoping that by starting off with a 1 lbs loss and a good breakfast (two pieces of seeded toast, a kiwi fruit and water) that I can kick this week into being the week that saves me. If not, I've come to the sickening conclusion that I am going to have to seek outside help and I can't do that. A. because that means admitting out loud to someone else that I have a problem and that means it is true so much more than it does just admitting it to myself. B. I'm not sure that I really do have as much of a problem as it feels to me, and the idea of confessing it to someone and having them listen politely only to tell me there is nothing wrong with me might just push me off the deep end. C. I'm not sure I could physically deal with this outside of myself. I am a secretive person, I do not share information easily and the idea of having to explain myself to someone makes me feel ill. I need to try and deal with this myself.

Yes, I'm putting off explaining what pushed me to this point. Yes, because it is difficult for me to write about. I'm also not sure how far back in time to go. Yes, because once I type it and press publish it is there for me to see over and over and it means that I really have admitted to a problem. I find that writing about it makes me feel better though. It helps me to sort through my twisted thoughts and make sense of them.

I have to go to a birthday party now. I'm going to leave this with pleasure at losing 1 lbs and being only 1 lbs higher than the last time I posted. Let's end this on a good note.

Re-arranging my priorities and goals

I came to a realisation last week that I am sick of being single. In fairness, I have been sick of being single for years now, but I have not been able to make myself or any single male do anything about it. I'm sick of being the third wheel, sick of people dancing around asking me if I've met anyone, sick of avoiding questions and sick of wondering what is wrong with me. Sick, sick, sick. I'm fairly oblivious and I tend to assume that people don't like me and aren't interested in me that way. I am 99.9% sure that I have been correct in these assumptions until now, but I need to change that. I desperately want to get married, have kids and settle down ultimately. I know you aren't supposed to be seen as desperate, but really, there is only so much that someone who has been single for 4 years can do to cover up the desperation. I am too nervy to come across as desperate, I think, but if not I really can't do anything about it. If one more person says "That's ok" when I say that I'm single or asks questions like, "is that your choice?" I'm going to lose my fucking mind.

With this realisation, I am altering my goals and motivations. When I hit 11 stone (in 12-13 lbs from now) I will officially be in normal BMI. In just 4 more pounds from that I will have lost a grand total of 5 stone and be at my original goal. Obviously, my new goal is 17 lbs even lower than that. But if I continue at the rate I am going, around 1 lb a week but not every week so let's say 3lbs a month (on a good month), that leaves me with 11 months to lose the next 34 lbs at the rate I'm going.... Gulp. Major gulp. That will mean I've been doing the weight loss dance for 2 and half fucking years. Probably longer though. Jeez. So new motivation; at 10 stone 10 I am going to sign up for and embrace internet dating. It is only 17 lbs away, and I have already lost so much more than that. If I can average 2 lbs a week then it is just 2 months to wait. I could have a new boyfriend for Halloween ;-) It's really driving me, and I think it will be more of a motivation and reward than boots or perfume. There hasn't been anything stopping me buying these things, but I won't have the guts to sign up to online dating without having the body and photos to show without losing weight first. I really, really don't want to be single anymore. I want someone to appreciate this body I have worked so hard for! And I keep finding really coupley things I want to do, but can't do by myself or with a girlfriend. Maybe relationships shouldn't be a weight-loss bribe but maybe it has to be this way. If i can lose another pound this week, then I will have only 1 stone, 14 tiny little pounds until I hit my goal. 7 weeks if I work really hard and get 2 lbs a week. If I were to lose more then it would be quicker, but I really do have to be honest and say that short of illness I don't think my body can do that right now. And I don't want to be ill ;-)

I need to make an update post that I weighed myself this morning and it was 11 stone 11, hence why if I can lose 1 lb before... Friday (I'm going away for the weekend) I will have lost a grand total of 4 stone (and I'll probably lose my mind when that happens) and I'll only have one stone, 14 lbs until I can get a dating life for the first time in .... well, ever. Fingers crossed.

11 is sticking!

Hopefully not in a permanent way like the bloody 12s but in a definitely-11-stone-not-a-blip-on-the-scales type of way.  1 lb down (actually just a few ounces but it still counts!!!) Which isn't as much as I'd hoped but it's something and I'm pleased.  There's more I want to write about but I wanted to get this down in black and white before I stop believing it : 11 stone 12!

Heeey there 11!

Once again after some toilet dancing there is a change.  1 lb down and into the 11's y'all!!!! This is in spite of a carb heavy week with cakes and chocolates on the last day of term then a bbq in the evening where I indulged with a burger in a BUN and some delicious fancy bread and a piece of cake. I avoided the jacket potato but I have caved and eaten crisps or popcorn on several occasions this week and I went to McDonald's at least twice.  I've been to the gym nearly every day though so hopefully that balanced it out. As it is only a few ounces to the next pound down I might try being extra good today just to see if I can be really strongly into the 11s tomorrow.  I'm v excited to see the 11s as it so close to my end goals now but I know I'll feel a lot better about being firmly and not just tentatively into the 11s. Maybe a new post tomorrow!

Photos and progress photos

Today's pictures (12 stone):

Haha, I've just noticed you can see my actual shoulder in that back photo. Whoops! Well, I never claimed to be a photographer ;-)

I think a difference is gradually becoming apparent. Gradually being the operative word. For funsies, I have done some progress photos. These are 13 stone 5, 12 stone 5, 12 stone, in that order:

I think my back fat looks better and my arms look smaller. I am really struggling with seeing a difference in my stomach though. My arse certainly looks (and feels ;-) ) higher, although alarmingly I think my thighs look better in the middle pictures. I think that might just be a symptom of exercise though, and hopefully it will correct itself. The cellulite makes me sad but oh well. Shouldn't have been so fat in the first place!

These ones are 13 stone 1 and 12 stone as I didn't take any front and back photos when I started off:

Yes, back fat, arms and arse certainly noticeably improved! The stomach though... needs work still, right?

Just to heighten my curiousity a final comparison without the middle photo. So a comparison left and right with 13 stone 5 and then, 19 pounds down, at 12 stone:

Ok, well I can see the difference a bit better here! The whole shape of my back has completely changed! My arse is in a totally different place! My stomach is certainly less... although the shape is more or less the same - sticking out! I need to work more on stomach toning, this is obvious but there is a difference, it is clearly there. Phew!

I wonder how it will look at 11 stone 5?