Starting over

I feel sick. I started this blog a year and a half ago weighing 13 stone 5. I weighed myself this morning at 13 stone 4. I worked so hard to lose more than two stone. More. Than. Two. Stone. And where did it get me? No fucking where.

I've just re-read a post where I was 8 lbs from 10 stone 10. 8 lbs. Just 8 tiny pounds. Now here I am, 28 lbs away from that. What a waste. A waste of time, effort, everything. I'm disgusted with myself. I know how I got here though and I know how to get back. Now I just have to get back.

On the plus side, I'm a fitter 13 stone 4. I'm about to run a half marathon and I can see that the fat sits differently on my body than it did last time around. God, last time around I swore I'd never see these numbers again. Well.

I've done it before, I can do it again. Here goes. 13 stone 4 and counting down. Again.

Positive Weekend

I swear I took photos between the last post and this one, but I'm not sure what I did with them. I haven't lost any weight, in fact I have put it on. I am up to 12 stone as of Monday. I think this might be partially a period induced kind of bloat, but I did keep bingeing last week. I was up to 12 stone 2 the Friday before and I spent all weekend eating and boozing, so I'm assuming that it was inflated. I'm hoping to be back in the 11s this week, and then to do some good work during half term next week! I realised that my motivation and willpower was off due to TOM. Now, and next week I'll be feeling much better.
I got some good motivation this weekend from some friends who kept commenting on how much weight I'd lost and saying they were proud of my new exercise routine. The comments and positive praise are what had me in my pyjamas just after 8 this evening so that I could not get in the car and drive to McDonalds and eat chips until I exploded. I am going to go and make myself a snack, though - I think tonight I am actually hungry not just bingey. And it would be really embarrassing to rock up at McDonalds in my snowflake pjs....
I wanted to go for a run tonight but it is actually chucking it down with rain. Tomorrow I'll be gymming it and then I'm going to plan my routine for next week - a week's holiday. I'm hoping to break the back of the 11s and get back into my downhill streak. I have a meet up with friends at the end of November, and I'd like to look a little fitter by then.
My new goals are to be at 10 stone 10 by the end of the year/Christmas, and work on being 9 stone 3 by Easter. I originally said Valentine's Day but I'd like to be realistic so I don't keep missing my goals and being disappointed. So, 1 stone 4 lbs to lose in 12 weeks by the end of the year. 18 lbs. not sure, but I'd like it to be do-able. I've rediscovered my motivation and I'm going to be switching up my exercise routine so fingers crossed! I'm just about to go and look up waterproof running gear....

Re-arranging my priorities and goals

I came to a realisation last week that I am sick of being single. In fairness, I have been sick of being single for years now, but I have not been able to make myself or any single male do anything about it. I'm sick of being the third wheel, sick of people dancing around asking me if I've met anyone, sick of avoiding questions and sick of wondering what is wrong with me. Sick, sick, sick. I'm fairly oblivious and I tend to assume that people don't like me and aren't interested in me that way. I am 99.9% sure that I have been correct in these assumptions until now, but I need to change that. I desperately want to get married, have kids and settle down ultimately. I know you aren't supposed to be seen as desperate, but really, there is only so much that someone who has been single for 4 years can do to cover up the desperation. I am too nervy to come across as desperate, I think, but if not I really can't do anything about it. If one more person says "That's ok" when I say that I'm single or asks questions like, "is that your choice?" I'm going to lose my fucking mind.

With this realisation, I am altering my goals and motivations. When I hit 11 stone (in 12-13 lbs from now) I will officially be in normal BMI. In just 4 more pounds from that I will have lost a grand total of 5 stone and be at my original goal. Obviously, my new goal is 17 lbs even lower than that. But if I continue at the rate I am going, around 1 lb a week but not every week so let's say 3lbs a month (on a good month), that leaves me with 11 months to lose the next 34 lbs at the rate I'm going.... Gulp. Major gulp. That will mean I've been doing the weight loss dance for 2 and half fucking years. Probably longer though. Jeez. So new motivation; at 10 stone 10 I am going to sign up for and embrace internet dating. It is only 17 lbs away, and I have already lost so much more than that. If I can average 2 lbs a week then it is just 2 months to wait. I could have a new boyfriend for Halloween ;-) It's really driving me, and I think it will be more of a motivation and reward than boots or perfume. There hasn't been anything stopping me buying these things, but I won't have the guts to sign up to online dating without having the body and photos to show without losing weight first. I really, really don't want to be single anymore. I want someone to appreciate this body I have worked so hard for! And I keep finding really coupley things I want to do, but can't do by myself or with a girlfriend. Maybe relationships shouldn't be a weight-loss bribe but maybe it has to be this way. If i can lose another pound this week, then I will have only 1 stone, 14 tiny little pounds until I hit my goal. 7 weeks if I work really hard and get 2 lbs a week. If I were to lose more then it would be quicker, but I really do have to be honest and say that short of illness I don't think my body can do that right now. And I don't want to be ill ;-)

I need to make an update post that I weighed myself this morning and it was 11 stone 11, hence why if I can lose 1 lb before... Friday (I'm going away for the weekend) I will have lost a grand total of 4 stone (and I'll probably lose my mind when that happens) and I'll only have one stone, 14 lbs until I can get a dating life for the first time in .... well, ever. Fingers crossed.

Motivations and goals!

It is the night before official weigh-in and photos and, oddly, I am feeling both motivated and defeated. I caved yesterday and weighed myself. I had, indeed, lost 2 lbs. This news thrilled me so much that I had scrambled egg and fruit instead of a McDonalds breakfast! Alas, it did not sustain me long enough to prevent me from crumbling and getting Domino's pizza for dinner. I can safely assume then, that if the pizza wasn't enough to add the 2 lbs back on then the bloating from the cheese will probably do it! I'm not looking forward to the 'official' weighing tomorrow.

It has caused me to do more exercise though. Furthermore in an effort to drive myself out for a walk despite the pitiful excuse for 'snow' I turned to motivational quotes online and decided to set myself up with some concrete goals and rewards. As one of the images I saw said 'don't reward yourself with food - you are not a dog!' I realised that I would probably do that if left to my own devices, also, you would think that working in a school would have made me apply the principle of motivational smaller goals on the way to a larger objective to my own life, wouldn't you? Well, better late than never!

So, irrespective of what the scales say tomorrow, these are my goals:
Goal #1 - 12 stone 10. I have been longing to see those numbers for a long time as it will mark the official 3 stone lost and halfway point. My reward for this will be to get my eyebrows threaded. I realise that this might seem strange, but it is better than a trip to Maccy D's, isn't it? Depending on the timing of it, I might throw in a haircut as an added treat - the fun never stops here!
Goal #2 - 11 stone 10. I'm not sure if it is a good idea to have one whole stone between goals or not. I suppose I can always adjust them later if I get stuck or need an extra kick. This one is inspired by my original dr, who commented that she wouldn't usually give the type of medication I was on to someone 'over 75 kilos'. I believe, although my conversion skills are not the greatest, that this would put me around 75 kg in weight. Considering I started at 99 kg, that just blows my mind!!! My motivational reward for this one will be a bottle of seductive perfume. When I hit this weight, I will only be 10 lbs away from being in the healthy bmi range. I will be 4 stone lighter than when I started and, indeed, lighter than when I was in my last serious relationship. Therefore it will be time to face the opposite sex again. Seductive perfume will boost my confidence!
Goal #3 - 11 stone. I am slipping this in as it will mark the time in my life when I officially made it back into the 'healthy' BMI range. At this point it is 2 stone 4 pounds away and that seems like forever. This goal is currently 32 pounds away from me, which is about the amount I have lost up until now.... at the risk of demotivating myself AGAIN, I am sincerely hoping that it doesn't take me a further year to make it down to 11 stone!!! If I can lose 2 pounds a week, every week, then that makes it a short 16 weeks away. That's just 4 months. Admittedly, that will push me past my original goal but it is nothing to be sneezed at!!! The reward for this will to purchase a new pair of earrings.
Goal #4 - 10 stone 10. I realise this is 4 pounds away from goal 3. Still, this was my original target weight before I decided to adopt the 'in for a penny, in for a pound' approach and take my weight down into the 9 stones. I will be over the moon to reach this stage, and I imagine that it will be harder to lose weight the closer to my ultimate goal I get. This will likely be around the summer time, so I am trying to think of an appropriate motivational reward. I assume that my weight loss will be really quite noticeable around this point, so I am thinking mini shopping spree in celebration. With gorgeous, low dress size clothes that show off my fabulous new figure!
Goal #5 - 9 stone 10. Wow. 6 stone down. Time to bring out the big guns - New boots. FMBs. I hope I will be needing them!
Goal #6 - 9 stone 7. ultimate target weight, and the lowest I have been since I was about 14 years old. My reward for this is a new tattoo. Well, I say new, by new I mean first. I know exactly what I want and when better to have it done than when my body is in perfect shape.

Ok. There we have it. So, 8 pounds to go until the first reward! 8 pounds seems such a measly amount but it will be hard work. I'm glad to see that I know what I am working towards, hopefully it will keep me motivated although I will add in extra goals if I find the gaps too long.

Until tomorrow and the 'official' weigh in. Gulp.